


10 Ways To Seduce Your Own Rose And Get Away With It

by volatileCalamity



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drunk Kanaya, F/F, NO SEXUAL ORGANS AT ALL OH MY GOD, NO TENTACLES OR WEIRD ASS SEXUAL ORGANS, No Smut, PLEASE STOP ASKING FOR SMUT BECAUSE I WONT DO IT, She does stupid stuff to try to get rose's attention, yep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 18:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/664989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volatileCalamity/pseuds/volatileCalamity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello, Fellow Guest. I Assume You Are Here To Read My Journal On How To Seduce Your Very Own Rose. I Have Made Various Observations On Humans To Finally Discover 10 Ways To Make Sure She Falls (Figuratively, As Humans Would Say) "Head Over Heels" For Me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	10 Ways To Seduce Your Own Rose And Get Away With It

**Author's Note:**

> Well I pretty much suck but I'm making an attempt
> 
> I'm not a huge Rosemary shipper, but I'm going to try to make this as entertaining and HAPPY as possible
> 
> If you want, you can always message me at unhealthyfires.tumblr.com for more pairings or suggestions on what I should improve on my writing
> 
> If you do critique what I have so far, PLEASE, I am BEGGING YOU not to sound so rude. I've taken criticism before, and they are usually just insults that say nothing good about what I do, and I don't want to be noted for what I do wrong. It takes the fun off of writing, you know? 
> 
> Welp, Enjoy!

Hello, Dear Guest

I Am Currently Writing A Journal That Will Be Very Useful To You If You Ever Plan To Seduce Your Very Own Rose

After Close Observation I Believe I Have What It Takes To Approach Her And Have Her Fall 

As Humans Would Say

"Head Over Heels" For Me (Assuming She Wouldn't Fall With Her Head Over Her Heels Again)

~ ~ ~   
#1 - Human Intoxication Abilities

Although I Do Not Want To Speak About The Day I Had To Nurse Rose Into Consciousness After Being Intoxicated, I Figured Alcohol Was Some Sort Of Potion That Puts One Into A Vulnerable State While Giving Them The Ability To Make Others Feel Attracted To Them

That Was Certainly What Happened A Few Days Ago.

It Is Currently Late, And I Am Currently Watching Dave Make His Usual "Raps" Again

He Sure Seems To Be Very Fond Over A Brobama

"yo kan" He Turns To Regard Me

"Hello Dave"

"whats up"

"I Believe It Is the Ceiling" Such A Silly Question

"riiight. are you looking for rose right now or?"

"Not Currently. I Am However Looking For One Of The Human Potions She Had Been Working On A While Ago."

He Sighs In A Very Exaggerated Manner. "so shes been making a bunch of weird fucking 'human potions', yet she cant make her brother some fucking apple juice? christ, what the hell does it even take to give a man one simple bottle of apple juice? its like my life is a metaphor of unfortunate-ness, given thats a fucking word" 

He Continues To Ramble About Human Apple Juice And Words, So I Assume I Have No More Business Here.

I Quickly Walk Toward The Table Rose Had Been Using For Her Experiments, Where I Find Various Glass Bottles With Different Colorful Substance. A Few Seem To Be Troll Blood, So I Assume It Was For Me. Besides, I Am A Rainbow Drinker.

Unfortunately, The Bottle Was Not Blood, But Rather Human Punch. 

I Analyze Each Bottle, Only To Find One That Had A Clear Liquid. I Open It And Sniff The Contents Of It, But I Only Manage To Wrinkle My Nose And Pull Back. It was Strong, Yet Smelled Sweet. It Was Certainly What Was On Rose's Breath.

I Take The Half Empty Bottle And Rush Toward A Secluded Area In The Lab And Take Careful Sips From The Bottle. It Tastes Completely Terrible, So Maybe I Am Not Drinking It Correctly. I Take More Thoughtful Sips, And It Eventually Tastes Just Right. I Begin To Feel Very Warm, And I Assume The First Effects Of The Potion Are Taking Place. 

Yet I Also Feel Slightly Lethargic. In Fact, If I Am Not Mistaken, I Can Hear Slight Honks From a Corner In The Lab. I Am Aware That Karkat Hides Gamzee In Areas Only He Thinks Is Safe (Which Is To Say, Away From Me), Yet I Hope I Haven't Stumbled Into One Of Those Areas. I Am In No Mood Or Desire To Kill A Clown At The Moment.

Someone Abruptly Opens The Door, And Of Course, It Is No Other Than Karkat Vantas Himself.

He Stomps Toward One Of The Corners In The Room, Yet He Widens His Eyes In Horror As Soon As He Notices Me.

"KANAYA? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Nothing That Should Concern You."

"OH WHAT THE--- WAIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN YOUR HAND?"

"A Human Potion."

"FUCK, ISN'T THAT THE SAME SHIT ROSE DRANK BEFORE SHE FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND ALMOST BROKE HER FUCKING NECK?"

"Perhaps."

"JEGUS CHRIST KANAYA, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING DRINKING THAT?"

"Does It Really Matter"

He Closes His Eyes In Frustration As He Places A Hand On His Face.

"FUCK. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS, BUT IT OBVIOUSLY WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD. SO PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN, AND GO MAKE SOME NEW FABRICS OR SOMETHING."

"One Does Not Simply Put The Bottle Down, Karkat."

"ARGH. FINE, WHATEVER. JUST DON'T FUCKING HURT YOURSELF, WE'VE ALREADY HAD TO DEAL WITH TOO MANY INJURIES IN THE PAST."

He Continues On Toward Another Room While I Continue To Take Careful Sips. I Realize The Bottle Is Almost Empty, And I Already Feel Rather Excited And Full Of Magical Potential.

I Stand Slowly And Shakily Place The Bottle On The Nearest Table. It Is In Times Like These Where I Am Glad To Have Put My Lipstick On Before I Begin To Do Anything Productive.

My Search For Rose Begins. The Plan Is Already In Motion. Although I Can Barely Think Clearly, I Would Normally Assume Rose Is Reading A Few Of The Thousands Of Books In the Study. 

I Cannot Make Much Sense Of Where The Study Is At The Moment, So I Do The One Thing That Feels Right. I Follow The Light.

I Am Glowing, Of Course, But I Can Feel The Light Aspect Near Me. In Fact, It Is Getting Closer With Every Step I Take.

I Feel As Though The Light Is Right In Front Of Me, Although I Just Happened To Fall Back And Slam My Head Onto The Cold Floor. How Utterly Humiliating.

Despite The Heaviness Of My Head, I Push Myself Up And Realize That I Hit A Mirror. The Light I Was Following Had, In Fact, Been Emanating From Me.

Human Potions Sure Are Weird.

It Takes Me A Moment To Get Back Up, Although I Am Relieved To Find Myself Next To The Study. 

I Take A Peak Inside And Find Rose Scribbling On One Of Her Notebooks. She Doesn't Seem To Quite Notice Me Yet, So I Very Cautiously Lean Against The Door Frame And Place A Hand On My Hip.

I Inhale A Decent Amount Of Thin Air.

"One Seemsh Sho Lunely On Suche A Fine Daey" I Begin. I Think I May Have Slurred Those Words.

I Watch As Rose Spins Her Blonde And Luscious Hair Around To See Me.

"Kanaya?" She Looks Kind Of Blurry, But I Am Able To Make Out The Mixture Of Shock And Confusion On Her Face. Her Beautiful, Delicate Face.

"Helloo, Rouse."

"Hello, Kanaya. Are you doing well?"

"Yesh! Very, In Faxt. Thnks To You"

"Oh dear. Please tell me you didn't happen to drink the bottle full of humiliation and pain."

"If You Ar Talking Aboot Theh Poshin, Then Yes, I Prowdly Drink It."

"Potion? You assumed that what I drank the day of my painful and foolish fall had magical properties that had caused me to act differently?"

"I Know The Sexcrets. It Was A Luve Pushion. I Am Now Hear To Clam You Main."

". . ."

Oh Yes.

It Was Working.

My Ridiculous Personality Was Finally Winning The Lalonde Over.

Take Note, Guests. This Is Where I Make Red Romance Transpire.

"Roast, I Dont Thing You Overstand My Infatfruition For You. You, Are My Rise. My Red, Reed, Roase. And Althooh We Hav Are Cultooral Differanches, We Can Alwaysh Twerk Together To Make Shur Our Speshies Survives..."

She Pauses For A Moment And Stares At Me. I Dont Believe It Was The Look Humans Give To Others When They Assume They May Have Some Sort Of Mental Disability. In Fact, I Believe It Was The Look that Suggested She May Have Been Considering My Proposition, Or At Least Thinking About It.

This Wasn't Where My Plan Begins, Though.

Considering Is Not What I Want.

Beggars Must Be Choosers.

I Slowly Glide My Jade Green Tongue Around My Lips And Carefully Lean Toward Rose.

I Place My Hands On Her Delicate Face.

"I Remember Waht You Shaid To Me. Aboat How You Wanted Me To Teesh You About My Spadesh, My Diamomds, And My Clubsh. However, I STRONGLY Sujest We Give The Hearshts A Little Go."

She Looks At Me, And I Can See A Slight Blush On Her Cheeks That Only Increases As I Close The Space Between Us.

Oh Yes.

Her Eyes Begin To Slightly Close, Despite The Tension That I Can Feel Emanating From Her. Despite How Sudden My Approach Was, She Continued To Give In To The Wonderful Effects Of The Potion. 

Our Lips Are Practically Touching When I Feel A Sudden Wave Of Drowsiness. I Place A Hand On My Head And Try To Steady Myself, Yet Rose Is Already Looking At Me With A Very Concerned Expression.

"Kanaya, are you feeling alright? Do you need some assistance standing still?"

"Dont Yhou Worry, Rosh. I Am Purfexly Fine."

I Cant Help But Slightly Stumble Backward, Yet Rose Luckily Caught Me On Time.

"The effects of alcohol are very dangerous to humans, and in fact, I just now concluded that they take the same effects on trolls. I apologize that you had to bring yourself into alcohol, I should have warned you about what happened..."

She Begins Leading Me Away Toward My Own Room In The Meteor, But I Cannot Let An Opportunity Like This Slide. I Will Not Spend The Night Regretting The Fool I Made Out Of Myself.

"Dont Worry Yoore Pretty Litul Head Abot It, Rose. I Can Help Myshelf. But Firsht, We Have Sum Unfishinsed Businesh To Take Care Of."

I Kiss Her Warm, Soft Lips As Gently As I Can, Although I Cannot Tell If I Am Being Gentle, Because At The Moment I Am Trying My Very Best Not To Fall Backward Again.

I Hear A Satisfying Sound Emanate From Rose, And It Causes Me To Let Out A Purr. It Is All Just So Enjoyable, Until Both Of Us Pull Back For Breath.

The Second She Lets Go Of Me, I Lose My Balance. I Am Walking Backward Because I Am Just So Happy, So Happy And Yet So Oblivious To Have Any Sense Of Direction Left In Me.

It All Happened So Fast.

And Yet, I Hear Her Yell Something. If I Recall Correctly, They May Have Been, "KANAYA, THERE ARE STAIRS BEHIND YOU!", Yet I Couldnt Hear Her Very Well Because I Was Too Busy Falling Down An Endless Flight Of Stairs. It Wasnt Painful, For The Blissfulness Of The Kiss Was The Only Thing In My Mind. And Yet, It Was The Last Thing I Thought Of Before I Went Into A Deep Sleep As I Fell Down Those Stairs.

~

"IS SHE OKAY? FUCK, I TOLD YOU TO THROW THAT SHIT AWAY."

"Karkat, I highly recommend you lower your voice. You will only increase the headache Kanaya will be receiving from the amount of alcohol she drank."

"haha dude, how wasted was she?"

"B3 QU13T D4V3! 1 TH1NK SH3'S W4K1NG UP"

Auuuughhh. The First Thing I Feel As Soon As I Regain My Consciousness Is My Immense Headache. It Hadn't Taken Me A Long Time To Figure Out Where I Was, Why I Was There, And What I Did To Deserve Being There. I Open My Eyes And Try Not To Look Into The Source Of The Damn Bright Light, Only To Realize It Was Coming From Me.

"Kanaya, are you feeling alright?"

I Heard The Gentle Voice And Immediately Focused On Rose. I Wondered If She Thought I Was An Idiot For Kissing Her And Then Falling Down All Those Stairs. She Did Warn Me. She Warned Me Various Times. She Always Warned Me About The Stairs.

"I Believe So..."

"HOLY SHIT KANAYA, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE BOTTLE??? IT WASN'T EVEN A HUMAN POTION TO BEGIN WITH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A FUCKING-"

I Cover My Ears. Fuck This Guy.

"SHUT UP K4RK4T! YOUR3 M4K1NG TH1NGS WORS3! >:["

"I would strongly advise all of you to leave."

"haha, busted."

"You too, Dave."

"oh fuck you too"

I Look At Rose Once I Hear All The Footsteps, And The Stomping, Leaving. She Gives Me A Reassuring Smile And Only Speaks Once Everyone Has Left.

"I hope you've learned something about this experience. I was worried about you, I felt as if it was my fault you got hurt."

"Don't Blame Yourself. I Was The One Who Thought The Human Alcohol Was Some Sort Of Love Potion."

"And may I ask why you wanted a love potion?"

"How Stupid Did I Make You Think I Am, On A Scale Of 1 To Eridan's Fashion Sense"

"Did I detect our human sarcasm?"

"Most Likely."

We Share A Smile Before I Begin Rubbing My Temples Again.

"The headaches are going to last for a while. Until then, I am going to keep you company and make sure you're alright."

"You Don't Have To Do That For Me. It Was My Idiocity That Started This Whole Mess In the First Place."

"Perhaps, however, you were the only one who took care of me when I was the one who drank too much alcohol. Besides, I was the one who knew the dangerous effects of it."

"We All Make Our Mistakes. And We All, Unfortunately, Pay For Them."

She Giggles.

"I'm going to let you rest for a while, and later I'll return with something that may soothe your hangover."

I Dont Know What A Human Hangover Is Yet, But For The Look Of Uncertainty That Rose Just Gave Me, I Wouldt Want To Know.

"It's okay if you don't remember anything that happened. It wasn't important. All that matters is that you are okay and you'll keep yourself safe for a while."

"Don't Worry. It's Not As If I Am Given The Choice To Go Anywhere Yet."

She Smiles And Begins Walking Toward The Door. 

"Oh, One More Thing."

She Turns Around And Gives Me A Questioning Look.

"Hm?"

"I Remember The Kiss."

She Turns Bright Red Again And Leaves With A Bit Of Uncertainty.

My Final Move For The Day Was Done, And All I Can Say Is:

 

 

Gotcha.


End file.
